I’ve Spent Six Months Wondering Why My Relationship Ended

Alecia Kennedy
5 min readSep 22, 2022

And then yesterday, a list revealed the truth

A picture of the Author’s Vision Board for 2022

Since my most recent relationship ended six months ago, I’ve found myself with quite a bit of time on my hands. The two hours or so I’d spend every night talking to my long-distance boyfriend and the week we’d spend together every month are now blocks of time that I can use to concentrate on my personal goals for my future. And that’s exactly what I’ve done.

What I haven’t done is seriously considered dating again, and I just realized the real reason why.

If you’ve read my recent work, you know that I was upset about this person leaving my life as I truly love him and always thought that we would at least remain friends, no matter what happened between us. But yesterday I had a sudden realization that all started with a list.

Maybe I don’t want a relationship after all.

The List

I am a die-hard list maker and the list I’m referring to is one I created just last week on a huge 2 ft x 2 ft Post-it note that I hung on my office wall. I drew a line down the middle and on one side of the line, I wrote a list of actions I need to take to reach my goals. On the other side, I wrote down a list of things I was not going to worry about and leave the outcome to the Universe.

What I noticed is that all of my to-do’s revolved around my career, my writing, my children, and my financial goals. I wrote things like “publish two Medium stories a week” or “make an extra mortgage payment”. Nothing about a romantic relationship. Well, is it any wonder that my most recent thoughts have been about career and money? After all, I need time to heal from my most recent romantic disappointment. I haven’t felt like dating or even thinking about dating since my relationship ended in March.

Curious, I searched for a second list I made a few months ago and stashed in my purse. Very similar to the one in my office — it said nothing about romantic relationships. I mean, that wasn’t really surprising, right? We all need time after a break-up.

But then, I decided to go back even further to the beginning of 2022. Every year, a group of friends and I sit down to create vision boards for the upcoming year. I love…